I hear ol' Granny gummin'
She's throwin' her Depends
Now we won't see the feline till
This nightmare ends

I'm suckin' Molson fizzin's
And Gran keeps raggin' on
Aspertane's got me swollen
Down my digestive zone

I'm watchin' Chester Baby
With Marshall Dillon's guns
Bullets are a good toy
For pokin' folks's buns

But I tickled Janet Reno
Just to make her squeal
When I hear Ted Bessell crowin'
My Johnny cakes congeal

I'll bet a fish pokes Wheaton
Willy Wheaton in a bar
And little Wesley Crusher
Has fishy sticks tartar

Still I hear old Granny gummin'
Screw-loose and fancy free
And those Bradys keep on groovin'
All through the cemet'ry.

Well, if my Granny kept on whizzin'
And if Conrad Bain was nine
I'll bet I'd Moe and Curly
Shemp and Joe, and Larry Fine

Got my Molson fizzin'
You'd better take off, eh
Or I'll fire a hosehead missile
Up your Doris Day.